Bell Lager - Uganda - 11/6/14

The low down: 
Things I know about Uganda: 1. The most oppressive legislation against homosexuals in the world, 2. A really pretty lake, 3. Kony's child army. I mean I also know it's in Central Africa and makes Bell Lager.

Bell Lager is the very definition of inoffensive. It has a light malty caramel taste but apart from that I can't pick a single thing. I cant even taste the hops. The Bottle has embossing that touts "BEER ONLY" which is probably Alanis Morisette levels of Ironic, because it doesn't really taste like beer.

Yes I am aware that most of the lyrics from that song refer more to happenstance and coincidence than irony.

Packaging: 8/10
Not super impressed, but BEER ONLY pushes the score up a little
Refreshment: 10/10
NO arguing with this, you could drink it on a plane, you could drink it with your brain.
Flavour 4/10
Super mild caramelish malt, and then? No and then!
Alcohol Content: 4/10
4% pretty much explains why it tastes like nothing.
Price: 4/10
$10.50 for a 500. It's not horrible, in that it's a reasonable import.
Total: 30/50

Uganda is pretty much the poorest country that exists. Over a third of their population could not afford this beer working a 7 day week and it certainly isn't good enough to warrant that expense. However as an accompaniment to some First Street boneless hot-wings, it was spectacular.
Cheers.

Cerveza Imperial - Costa Rica - 7/6/14

The low down: 

Recently I was sad to learn that Laura Chinchilla was no longer the President of Costa Rica. Not because I think she was good for the country, unilaterally opposing separation of church and state and all that, but because her name is Chinchilla. Have you seen a fricken Chinchilla?!?!?! Here, I'll wait.

The beer is less cute, but still a pretty good offering from the country that also offers up 5% of the earths land based biodiversity, with such epic murderers as vampire bats, crocodiles and Puma's. Sadly I'm told that these creatures are attributed with less kills per year than domestic chickens.

Imperial is a light citrus flavoured tropical lager, the brown bottle is deceptive and this is really quite easy to drink.

Packaging: 7/10
A little deceptive but well designed.
Refreshment: 8/10
Almost palate cleansing in its refreshment.
Flavour 6/10
Citrus and  lightly toasted malt.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.6% almost the de-facto standard for Caribbean lagers.
Price: 7/10
$7.80 being a rare import it was worth the little bit extra.
Total: 33/50

Costa Rica faces both the Pacific and the Atlantic ocean, and Cerveza Imperial is a good blending of Pacific summer beers, with Caribbean tropical ones. I matched it to chicken kiev, but anything with garlic would work.
Cheers.

Cisk Lager - Malta 8/6/14

The low down: 
Malta, the home of Cisk, the Maltese Falcon, and I can only assume, Malteasers. One of these things is not like the others.

You would think given that the country has malt in it's name they might have monopolised on that fact and made a truly spectacular malty dunkel, or even a rich bock. Heck I'd take an old school barley wine! Instead we get this, whatever this is.

To elaborate, this has a kind of bitter fruit flavour, that feels like it could have been malty once, but is over far too fast. a very forgettable beer, but maybe that's OK when you are on a stunningly beautiful rock in the Mediterranean sea. Maybe that's exactly what you are looking for, something that doesn't draw the focus of where you are and what you are doing.

Packaging: 4/10
This actually kind of hurts my eyes.
Refreshment: 7/10
Pretty easy to drink.
Flavour 7/10
Hints of flavour that vanish like ninja.
Alcohol Content: 4/10
4.2% Really quite low, even for a macro lager.
Price: 8/10
$5.50 The right price point for an import.
Total: 30/50

I mean who am I kidding, I'm going to recommend you drink this while eating an entire family fun sized bag of Malteasers, and you know I'm right.
Cheers.

Saku Kuld - Estonia - 9/6/14

The low down: 
Some friends of mine were lucky enough to visit Estonia this year. While I was already jealous after hearing their stories; after drinking this beer, my jealousy is now verging on the insane.

A meshing of Scandinavian and Baltic this has the taste of grains and fruits, It's brewed with Nordic oat malt, which gives it a unique and incredible cereal nose. There is some honey and a little bit of hops but mostly it's the fruit that comes through.

So spectacular food, online political voting, Vana Tallinn and now Saku Kuld. Oh and I mustn't forget these guys. Estonia seems like it's moving up the must visit destinations list.

Packaging: 10/10
So regal, all gold and foil and wonderful.
Refreshment: 8/10
The 600ml was gone before I could complain I didn't buy a second.
Flavour 9/10
Lots of flavours, pineapple and lemon and honey with some amazing oat malt as well.
Alcohol Content: 8/10
5.2% In a 600ml bottle this is really respectable for a macro produced beer.
Price: 8/10
$9.60 It's expensive, but it's really good.
Total: 43/50

My friends visited kiek in de kök, a tower and museum in Tallin, afterwards they ate an Estonian buffet, in which the main delicacy was bear meat. I'm pretty sure you can see where I am going with this.
Cheers.

Nektar Pivo - Bosnia and Herzegovina - 4/6/14

The low down: 
The regions of the former Austro-Hungarian empire and later Czechoslovakia have not had an easy 100 or so years. Many of them still wear the scars of this, and brewing it seems is one area among many where Bosnia and Herzegovina suffered.

Nektar isn't an inspiring beer, and I guess that is why In Bosnia and Herzegovina I'm led to believe they drink Rakija, a type of plum brandy, with all 3 meals.

It tastes like cheap, it looks like cheap, and it isn't cheap. Think of the driest pilsner flavour you can, then take away the hoppy aroma and bitterness but leave the dehydrated tongue feel. This truly is the sauvignon blanc of the beer world, except it tastes like rubbish.

Packaging: 3/10
Looks cheap, does everyone want to look like Heineken or Carlsberg?
Refreshment: 3/10
If they turned the dryness down from 11.
Flavour 2/10
Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray!
Alcohol Content: 4/10
5% Pilsner standard.
Price: 3/10
$9.00 Way too much for what is essentially undrinkable.
Total: 15/50

If you find yourself in a situation where it's this or death, try not to let it warm up. I wonder if it's still frowned upon to put ice in a beer? It will water it down, but in the case of Nektar, that's a good thing. Drink this with electrolytes. What are electrolytes? I don't know but they help plants grow.
Cheers.

Keo - Cyprus - 4/6/14

The low down: 
Keeping on with the cans, this here is the supposed haloumi of the beer world. Mostly because it is from Cyprus, as opposed to being an amazing coagulated milk protein product that puts all other coagulated milk protein products to shame. The only shame that came from drinking this, was my own.

It has a weird bitter sweet mouth feel that would be at home if you put equal parts salt and sugar in a teaspoon and stuck it in your mouth.

Importantly though, everyone should be able to order one, because its name represents the three most frequently used sounds common to the most widely spoken languages today; /k/, /e/, and /o/. I'm all for equity of access.

Packaging: 6/10
It's fairly run of the mill, and I don't hate it.
Refreshment: 3/10
Refreshment isn't something I would use to describe this.
Flavour 3/10
Lagerish, with some other subtle cereal flavours, that were left in the silo too long.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.6% Macro lager land strikes again.
Price: 5/10
$8.50 Incidentally the same price as 250 grams of Cypriot haloumi.
Total: 22/50

Not recommended. But if you had a meze plate with olives and haloumi and pickles, you could probably get away with drinking one or two, as long as it was really warm outside and the beer was really cold.
Cheers.

Kingdom Lager - Tonga - 4/6/14

The low down: 
So I didn't know until I drank this beer that Tonga is a constitutional monarchy, the Kingdom of Tonga. King George Tupou V is Lord and master of around 748 square kilometers of Polynesian paradise, populated by almost as many humpback whales as people.

Apparently you can get this in bottles, but in all my time looking this was the best I could find, and my understanding is that the beer should be much more fresh from aluminium.

Unsurprisingly this tastes a lot like Fiji's Draught lager (no not the bitter) and the overall flavour is of malt and hops in equal balance. with 748km sq. to work with, it's not a bad effort.

Packaging: 6/10
While the tin is good, the design is lacking.
Refreshment: 7/10
Think of it as refrigerant for use in a country where the median year round temperature is 27 Celsius.
Flavour 5/10
Nothing special, but a solid taste of "Beery"
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.6% The very definition of meh.
Price: 6/10
$7.80 There is a large Tongan population in Australia, so I would expect this to come down over time.
Total: 29/50

In Tonga, and much of the Oceanic region, you eat carbs. Taro, coconut, banana and cassava. I prefer to drink my carbohydrates. This is well suited to a whole mud crab, fried in garlic, ginger and chilli.
Cheers.

El Loco Cerveza Especial - Guatemala - 4/6/14

The low down: 
El Loco or "The Crazy" describes the kind of person who pays for this. I have made a terrible mistake.

Think of beer post mix and how that might taste, then assume the pump is broken, and you are only getting half syrup. This really is abysmal.

Guatemala needs to stick to coffee of which it is a world leader. Better yet, let's get them into making mocha porters, or oatmeal stouts, or anything other than terrible lager. Some people may think I hate pale lager, but that isn't true at all. I think it's just the case that they let anyone who can string three words together make lager, and the gene pool is diluted.

Packaging: 8/10
Despite sucking at almost everything else, I love the bottle.
Refreshment: 2/10
Sticky mouth feel does not make this a session-able drink
Flavour 2/10
There is some there, but it is washed away by the broken post mix machine.
Alcohol Content: 3/10
4.6% even this is disappointing.
Price: 2/10
$8.60. Cheaper than a cinema Slurpee I guess?
Total: 17/50

Saved by product design. If you ever end up in Guatemala, put rum in iced coffee, and then drink that. This beer is best served with a whole chicken, so you can fashion a shiv out of the bones and stab the store owner who sold it to you.
Cheers.

Ciuc premium lager - Romania - 4/6/14

The low down: 
I just assumed that Balki in Perfect Strangers was from Romania, I'm pretty sure that makes me a racist, and for that, I am sorry.

That theme song is fricken awesome though, and this euro lager is only slightly less so. It has the grain flavour of multigrain bread and some nice spicy hops, but is let down just a touch by the taste of the tank it was brewed in lurking in the background.

Romania is the home of Dracula though, and that's pretty bad ass. Turns out Balki was from a made up place, probably near Greece, called Mypos.

Packaging: 7/10
All of the eastern European beers look like this, even the micro brews.
Refreshment: 7/10
Goes down easy at first, not sure how session-able, since it wore on me towards the end.
Flavour 7/10
Let down by the tin, but the spicy bread is nice.
Alcohol Content: 6/10
5% middle of the line.
Price: 7/10
$9.50. A little expensive for a Euro-lager, but it is rare
Total: 34/50

For matching cuisine, I can't in good conscience take the Romanian historical angle and say eat the hearts of your enemies.
Instead, drink this dressed as a Dracula, while doing the dance of joy.
Cheers.

Kingdom Pilsener - Cambodia - 4/6/14

The low down: 
When I visited Cambodia, I spent most of my time drinking Angkor beer. I wish I had spent more time sampling, Kingdom is a good find. If you have a fond spot for Asian adjuncts, this is for you.

Cambodia is a favorite place of mine, but I felt that its beer didn't match up. Vietnam has Huda and 333 which are both great. Laos has Beerlao which is arguably the best Asian adjunct lager that exists. Thailand has Singha and Chang, which are specifically designed to overcome the heat. This beer is Cambodia's answer.

Highly carbonated, soft hops aroma, and just the tinniest bit of alcohol taste. A beer fit for a tropical tree house.

Packaging: 8/10
Reminds me of Serengeti from Tanzania, but more tropical.
Refreshment: 8/10
Goes down very quickly, with a sweet hoppy finish.
Flavour 7/10
Very mild flavours of malt and hops, just what you want for South East Asia
Alcohol Content: 6/10
4.7% It's not likely to incapacitate anyone.
Price: 6/10
$8.50. I can't imagine what it costs in Cambodia, but probably not much
Total: 35/50

A strong showing from the Kingdom of Cambodia. A Czech style pils without the pucker. If you are going to survive in the heat and sweat of the jungle, you'll need Khmer noodles for breakfast and one of these.
Cheers.

South Pacific SP lager - Papua New Guinea - 3/6/14

The low down: 
Australia has the largest Exclusive Economic Marine Zone of any country. Papua New Guinea is Australia's nearest neighbor, situated just 150 Km from our northern most tip, and well inside the 365 Km we claim. I'm surprised that the Abbott Government haven't tried to sink it or turn it back to Indonesia.

This beer is often compared to Victoria Bitter, and I should have taken the warning. But, in the name of science, I took one for the team.

It's not horrendous, but its a special kind of alcoholism that would drive you to drink a full six pack. It tastes like Garden clippings, gas, and six types of butts.

Packaging: 5/10
I have a soft spot for the old school stubbie.
Refreshment: 3/10
It is going to have to be a whole lot hotter than anywhere I've been for this to take away the parch.
Flavour 2/10
Yes, it has a flavour, but you won't necessarily like what it's offering.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.5% It doesn't even save face by being brutally strong, so one won't get you drunk enough to not taste the second.
Price: 4/10
$7.50 I appreciate that it was the cheapest beer of the night.
Total: 19/50

This is on par with prison toilet bowl wine in my opinion. It's not particularly strong, it's not very nice, and you look like an idiot drinking it (see attached).  If you want to drink one to get the country tick, I suggest drinking it with something so vile that it's the lesser of 2 evils.
Cheers.

Casablanca Premium lager - Morocco - 3/6/14

The low down: 
OK, a prerequisite for this review, I need you all to go and listen to/watch this first.

Now that we are all in the correct mood I can carry on with the review. I almost flew to Morocco to try and track this down last year, and now it has shown up in Brisbane.

As far as lagers go this is absolutely stunning. It tastes like the exotic northern African flavours I imagine, that probably don't exist. Dates and figs and tea and honey.

Casablanca isn't even the part of Morocco most people visit, as Tangier is a much easier boat trip from Spain. I'm impressed I got the whole way thought that without a quote from the film.

Packaging: 8/10
Off-center, stumpy, and short, but still good.
Refreshment: 10/10
I came here for the waters, I was not misinformed.
Flavour 9/10
Lots of different flavours, all lined up in a row.
Alcohol Content: 7/10
5% even. A good showing if nothing to write home about.
Price: 8/10
$8.50 From the bar of the same name.
Total: 42/50

What is your nationality?…I’m a drunkard.
I'd try and tell you what to match this with, but I don't plan that far ahead.
Here's looking at you kid.

Star Lager - Nigeria - 3/6/14

The low down: 
Nigeria is famous for 2 things. The first is for internet scams telling you that you are lucky enough to inherit the prince's gold, and the second is for being the place where Guinness comes from. Yep, the majority of Guinness in bottles in Australia are Nigerian. This is a good thing, because the water from the Liffey shouldn't be trusted.

Star is a delightful beer. It's citrusy, a little bitter and strong enough to give pause to the 600ml bottle it comes in. No points for naming it though, there are over one trillion* beers called Star in the world. *May or may not be an exaggeration.

Nigerians are rated the highest achieving academically in U.S. universities, and I'm going to call it now, it's the beer.

Packaging: 8/10
Big and bold, and I love the foil neck label.
Refreshment: 7/10
Quite refreshing, though it gets a little hard to drink as it warms up.
Flavour 7/10
Nice subtle flavours together without tasting unbalanced.
Alcohol Content: 7/10
5.1% in damn big bottle, It certainly packs a punch.
Price: 8/10
$9.00 for a 600ml seems quite reasonable.
Total: 37/50

A surprise from the west coast of Africa, well worth a try if you get the chance. I'd like to drink it side by side with Foreign Export Guinness one time to see which I like more. Next time I will drink this with a swan or corgi or what ever it is Princes eat these days.
Cheers.

St. George Beer - Ethiopia - 3/6/2014

The low down: 
If you, like me, grew up in the 80's, you probably spent a good portion of your childhood trying to avoid eating vegetables only to be told by your parent and or guardian "There are children starving in Africa." This beer is from the place where they were starving.

It's a light cereal flavoured serviceable pale ale, with a excessively watery consistency and not much else to it. It is the quintessential ordinary macro beer.

The choice of St. George as a namesake confuses me, being the patron saint of England who, during the Zemene Mesafint or 'age of princes', cut a bloody swathe across what is modern day Ethiopia.

Packaging: 3/10
Not only is the icon of st George ill-chosen, but it's coloured in bright yellow and red.
Refreshment: 7/10
Fairly easy to drink and certainly thirst quenching
Flavour 5/10
There is some, but it doesn't break through very well.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.5%. About par for the course for African pale ales.
Price: 7/10
$8.50 in a divey club in the rough part of town.
Total: 27/50

This beer is serviceable, and would probably do better in warmer climates. It's No Tusker of even a Serengeti, but it would do well with some of the spicier dishes from the Ethiopian cuisine.
Drink it with chilli and raw meat!
Cheers.