Lav Pivo - Serbia - 3/5/2011

The Low Down:

In English, Lav is used to abbreviate ‘lavatory’ so I tried Lav Pivo with some understandable trepidation.

Unfortunately for Lav Pivo it did not play out counter to my expectations. The beer is bland, and I mean really bland. It tastes like carbonation and beer mats from a dive bar at 2 AM on a Wednesday morning.

I had hoped for some really great southeastern European beers, so far no cigar. I am however


cognisant that the export quality is usually rubbish and the good stuff stays at home, so I hold out hope.



Packaging: 8/10
This bottle is a unique and wonderful snowflake, although the clean aesthetic is detracted from by the poor font-colour combination of “1892”.
Refreshment: 2/10
Admittedly this could refresh you, because water can refresh you, and that’s mostly what this tastes like.
Flavour: 1/10
Please see afore-mentioned beer mats.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
5%. Actually a little surprising considering how weak it tastes.

Price: 6/10
$4.20. Which I didn't pay, because Bill came through with the goods.
Total: 22/50




I don’t know what you could eat with this that might save it from the fate it seems destined for.

Perhaps a tablespoon full of jolokia ghost pepper. That way you will either be dead or won’t be able to taste anything.
Cheers.

Golden Pils Special Beer - Germany - 15/4/2011

The Low Down:
"Brewed in the finest tradition"
This means we forgot to note the origin of the product on the bottle and now anyone trying to review this beer will have to search high and low on the internet to identify it.

Google maps didn't reveal a place called "the finest tradition" but a little bit of GoogleFu tells me it is most likely Germany. Or Belgium, or France, but probably Germany. Or maybe Niger.

With the shady origins aside the beer is quite serviceable, and perhaps the sense of mystery contributes to this. If you ever find out where this beer is from let me know, secrets scare me.





Packaging: 4/10
Quite regal, except IT DOESN'T SAY WHERE IT’S FROM WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
Refreshment: 6/10
Golden ale fresh and went down a treat.
Flavour: 6/10
Sweet and malty, with the obvious top hopping notes.
Alcohol Content: 7/10
5.5%. Strong for how sweet this beer is, and it doesn't burn.
Price: 4/10
$5.80 Which I have no way to put into context without an origin listing. As it is likely German, I’m giving it a 4.
Total: 27/50

I accompanied it with Schnitzel and Jager sauce (that's Hunter sauce for those that don't speak the ancient Saxon(or German)), so I'm sticking with the Bavarian thing.
Cheers.

Nikšicko pivo - Montenegro - 15-4-11

The Low Down:
I won't pretend I understand the hundreds of years of war, border changing, rebellion and liberation that have gone into creating the current mix of southeastern Europe and the Balkans.

While I would never condone conflict and war, this has led to a lot of brewing power, a lot of passion and a lot of national pride. These countries can churn out spectacular beer.

Did I forget to italicise and bold CAN? Sorry. (that would be the way I would convey sarcasm). I'm not actually sure this was even beer; I think it was grassy hop juice in disguise. It gave me the same headache as Montenegro's Eurovision song contest team (no not this guy, that's Moldova). I have had better beers in the Queensland countryside.

Packaging: 3/10
The font is actually aggravating and it doesn't help that Nikšicko has more accents than a mildly competitive football team
Refreshment: 2/10
That I’d kept it cold was the only thing going for it.
Flavour: 3/10
Hoppy and not much else.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
5%. A saving grace, but also expected for a pilsner style beer.
Price: 3/10
$6.00. Not super expensive given how far it came, but begs the question; would you pay someone to poison you?
Total: 16/50

My recommendation would probably be to enjoy this rapidly in the summer heat of the Adriatic, drink it as fast as you possibly can so you don’t have to taste it.
Cheers.

Obolon lager - Ukraine 14-4-11

The Low Down:
The Ukraine, or Ukraine as it is now called, is just coming up on it's 21st Birthday. This means that on July 16th this year, it will actually be able to drink it's own beer. Lucky Ukraine!

I kid of course. the legal drinking age in Ukraine is in fact 18.

This beer tastes like the irradiated power of communism through which it has struggled throughout it's history. Brewed just 55km south of Chernobyl, this beer is hot stuff. I'm assured that it is less that 150 Rads per bottle, so safe to drink. Mostly.

The Flavour is bitter, probably because of the cold war, with some real strong cereal notes and just a little carbonation. This beer tastes like injustice, and I love it.

Packaging: 8/10
Strong and bold, like the hammer and sickle. It feels like a former U.S.S.R state trying to break free of it's puppet masters.
Refreshment: 8/10
Any proletariat working in the fields for their bourgeoisie overlords would be well served by this drop.
Flavour 8/10:
Aside from the aforementioned injustice, the cereal and malt notes are awesome.
Alcohol Content: 6/10
5.0% This amount is well suited to the style of pale lager.
Price: 6/10
$4.50. Not terribly expensive when you consider that the Ukraine economy was in disrepair just a few years ago.
Total: 36/50

Conclusion:
I'm kind of at a loss for what to match this with. An irradiated pale eastern European lager with a point to prove. It seems with all the cereal notes it would be well matched to rich meats, venison or Buffalo. probably goat. Yes definitely goat, and if you can't find that, lamb.
Cheers.

Palma Louca - Brazil 14-4-11

The Low Down:
Every man loves a Brazilian (beer). This example is probably the sort of thing I would drink at Carnivale in Rio.

It's light and fruity, with just a hint of sourness to compliment the low carbonation. Think of it like an alcoholic traditional lemonade, that taste pretty much noting like lemons, and you are most of the way there.

Its light and can be dropped quick, so it has a real refreshment factor too.

The smell is offensive, not quite durian fruit offensive, but somewhere between that and swamp. 

Packaging: 6/10
Looks like the seaside, but kind of cartoony.
Refreshment: 9/10
The light sour tinge has you thirsting for more, this is why lemonade stands are a hit in the American summer.
Flavour 7/10:
Quite surprising. I didn't expect much and was rewarded on my low expectations. If it wasn't for the smell.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.5% Seems low, but good for a session beer. On a South American coastline resort, this could be that session beer.
Price: 8/10
$3.20. For a single! worth it, especially in summer.
Total: 35/50

Conclusion:A South American beer that feels like a Central American beer. A good summer session beer. i can picture it going down a treat at Brazilian BBQ. oh god, now i want to go to Churasco's and stuff my face with delicious steak.
Cheers.



 

Wells Banana Bread Beer - England 14-4-11

The Low Down:
Suckered In it would seem, by the allure of a morning tea style ale. In years gone by beer was often referred to as liquid bread, since the ingredients can essentially be the same.

This artificial tasting beer tastes like somebody took a shoddy English ale, and put Allens banana candies in the bottle. It doesn't taste like banana, more like candy and booze.

Cool bottle shape though, and after some time my burps started to taste like banana bread. I'm not sure if that is in the pros or cons column.

All in all a forgettable beer, unless you are addicted to Allens bananas.

Packaging: 7/10
The Bottle is a funky shape, unique to Wells brews.
Refreshment: 3/10
As much as any English Ale could refresh you, this seems to do so slightly less.
Flavour 2/10:
Banana essence, sugar and tap water. Not really an amazing bouquet.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
5.2% At least it has a little bit of a kick to compensate for the rubbish taste.
Price: 3/10
$7.50. There are beers that are worth this much. This is not one of them
Total: 20/50

Conclusion:
The sad fact is, it's beers like this that make the U.K brewing scene seem horribly fractured. on one hand you have amazing breweries, and on the other hand you have people trying to invent abominations that should not be. Drink this when you absolutely have no other choice, or want your burps to smell like banana bread.
Cheers.

Tusker Lager - Kenya 13-4-11

The Low Down:
The real reason i was looking forward to this beer was Vanuatu. In Vanuatu they brew a beer called Tusker, and it is one of my all time holiday favourites. This Tusker is an entirely different beast.

Named after an elephant that Killed the original brewer, this beer is somewhat of an African legend.

The bottle conjures up thoughts of safari and the flavours do too. The corn adds an interesting sweetness to it, almost like a banana pancake, and it goes down quite easily, which would be perfect for the African climate.

Lightly carbonated, with pretty much no bitterness, means this beer can easily be session imbibed.

Packaging: 8/10
African bottle that makes me think of Africa. Well played sir.
Refreshment: 8/10
Light carbonation, and subtle flavours mean it can quench thirst well.
Flavour 8/10:
The corn sweetness is something you expect from an American microbrew, but it is right at home in this African lager.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.2% A little on the soft side. but in the African sun the last thing you want is alcohol poisoning.
Price: 6/10
$7.50. OK it's reasonably expensive for a 4.2% pint of lager That's bar prices, not bottleshop. I'm going to cut some slack for the Sheer distance to Kenya.
Total: 35/50

Conclusion:
It seems I like Tusker wherever it comes from. while it won't replace my Vanuatu Tusker as the beer I most want in my fridge in Summer, I will drink it again. mainly because I'm a huge fan of banana pancakes. Drink this with.... banana pancakes.
Cheers.

Haandbryggeriet Good Force - Norway 12-4-11

The Low Down:I Like my Norwegian beer, like i like my Norwegian metal. Heavy and frostbitten. This beer is pretty much the greatest thing ever invented.

When I drank the Dark Force, it was around thirty dollars for the bottle. and worth every penny. This one cost less than half that. and was probably twice as good. Star wars references aside, this is a 10% ABV imperial wheat beer.

The bottle is simple and clean, with a dark tint to protect the gods nectar inside from the mighty day star in Norwegian summers.

Tastes like spicy, fruity, wheaty, boozy goodness. I have never tasted anything with so many layers. The finish is smoky and sweet at the same time.

Packaging: 8/10
I can't give this full marks on the bottle, but it is a great counterpoint to the Dark Force bottle.
Refreshment: 10/10
Pour it into your face like it's water, but so much better.
Flavour 10/10:
There is more flavour in this bottle than in all of the warehouses in mangalore.
Alcohol Content: 10/10
10% That's right you sissys. This beer has 3.9 standard drinks in a single bottle.
Price: 10/10
$12.95. Costing about the same as a jug of draught brew, with the same number of drinks, and a bazillion times the flavour. Worth it.
Total: 48/50

Conclusion:
I previously thought they drank mead in Valhalla, now I know differently. Haandbryggeriet Good Force is the reason that Vikings want to die in battle. Drink it on it's own, anything you eat will simply detract from it's awesomeness.
Cheers,

Zlaty Bazant - Slovakia 12-4-11

The Low Down:
This is a hearty food eaters pilsner style beer from Slovakia. The outrageous name, which may conjure up images of a Douglas Adams character, and actually means "Golden Pheasant" would make this beer incredibly fun to try and order in a pub, especially after the 5th round.

A little less hoppy than most pilsners from the region, but not to it's detriment. a clean and crisp beer with underlying malt flavours.

The explanation on the bottle, of how the golden pheasant in a field of barley was a sign of a bountiful harvest, is a nice thought.

Packaging: 7/10
I love the golden foil and custom cut label, I just hate having little flakes of that foil get stuck on my moustache.
Refreshment: 7/10
Clean and crisp. Pilsners are designed to refresh and this one does a pretty good job of it.
Flavour 6/10:
Everything apart from the hops is subtle, which isn't a bad thing. there's just nothing that really stands out.
Alcohol Content: 7/10
5.0%. It comes in a 500ml, and would really make a good session beer.
Price: 6/10
$4.25. However it looks like IBS charged me $17.00. Not going to hold it against the beer though.
Total: 33/50

Conclusion:
This is a great beer for carnivores. It went perfectly with my meat lovers pizza. Now im not saying that the frail vegans and vegetarians who frequent this list should look elsewhere. I imagine it is excellent with tofurkey or an alfalfa sprout salad.
Cheers.

Lucky Beer - China 11-4-11

The Low Down:
Any beer blog that rates packaging has to eventually come to this. Chinese Lucky beer.

The Buddha abstained from alcohol, as it interfered with the quest to realise the full potential of the mind. With that said, this is the greatest bottle ever. I'm going to continue talking about the bottle so I don't have to talk about the beer.

Cashing in on religion with gimmicks is nothing new, but if you are going to suggest that the supreme enlightened one would be associated with a fermented malt product, you would probably want to try and make it a good one.

Sadly, Lucky beer cannot make that claim. it tastes roughly of soda, the lightest hops, and the waters of the Yangtze.

Packaging: 10/10
Look at that guy! he's so happy. a moulded bottle in the image of the Buddha. Perfect.
Refreshment: 7/10
with no strong flavours, and plenty of carbonation, you can drink this like water. This is because that is pretty much what it is.
Flavour 2/10:
Dirty alcohol taste and just the slightest hint of hops. nothing to keep you here.
Alcohol Content: 5/10
4.8% surprising.
Price: 7/10
$2.00. Very cheap, and probably worth it if you desperately need to get your drink on.
Total: 31/50

Conclusion:
Mike's face in the background says it all. If not for the fact that it contained a reasonable amount of alcohol, and came in an amazing Buddha bottle, I don't think anyone would actually drink this. Jesus was able to turn water into alcohol. Seems like the Buddha can turn alcohol into water. Unlucky.
Cheers.